Mental struggles are real. Sometimes we tend to fake our mental state just because we fear people will think less of us. And so we hide away and suffer in silence. A smile to cover your bleeding heart and your self-identified shame. You wallow in self pitty till one day you break. And most breakouts end up in suicide. I too reached this point and suicide was my only way out.

As I heald the surgical blade in my hand, the only thought that runs through my mind was ending the pain.

The other day you called me and told me to dress up you were taking me out. You can imagine my excitement. When was the last time you took me out? and I thought to myself this was the affirmation I needed. I had childlike Joy the whole day and nothing could ruin it. I was having a shitty day at work, but who cared, I was going on a date with you. I hurriedly left work, went home to freshen up. Everything seemed so right. The water running through my skin, the body splash sprayed on my skin, and the final touch the dress I just bought specifically for this day.

As you sat across me I couldn’t help but admire you, my love. Your smile, your laughter, your whole presence were breathtaking. I felt like the luckiest woman on this earth. We called a cab and on the back seat, you held my hand, whispered you loved me. Kissed me on the cheek, I was slightly embarrassed because of the PDA but it didn’t matter, I was with You. We went home and You made me feel alive in ways only you could have. I remember my friends telling me how I glowed the next morning.

Little did I know my happiness was short-lived. It’s funny how words that made my heart full could turn into sweet nothings. She stood on my doorstep. The familiar face that had been threatening us, or rather me because you already fell out of the equation. Here I was staring face to face with the devil herself(I will not be kind with my words)She asked for you. She even said you left your watch at her place the previous night and handed it to me, the watch I got you on your birthday. I held my composure as everything inside me broke into a storm. As I shut the door, I sat down and began to sob. My whole world was falling apart.

For months now I had a hunch she existed, or rather they existed. A long trail of evidence from lipstick stains on your lips and collars to receipts to late nights with the excuse of work(You forgot I worked side by side with you and I knew the timings well), to you being distant and finally no affection or remorse towards me. My blood began to boil with anger as I paced up down trying to construct a speech to recite to you, my lover.

One thing I hated about you was how you made me feel. Your words constantly tore me down which was accompanied by your refusal to admit you were wrong, making me feel like the reason for your infidelity. I was never a saint and I always felt as though your rejection was penance for all the ills I had committed. What makes me sick is that I loved you through it all. I was told a woman should protect her home, be the rock when the man is failing. Which has made me realize how barbaric some of the expectations placed on a woman are. If a man is being unfaithful it’s the woman’s fault, the woman must be the one to fight to keep a relationship. To hell with all this nonsense I am here to re-write the rules that govern us, women.

It had been months of anguish and sorrow. A loveless relationship. There were days I didn’t even want to look at you, have you next to me let alone having you hold me in the steamy moments. I cried day and night wondering what I could do to save you because there was no more us. Save you from leaving me, because I thought I was the best decision you have ever made. My friends spoke in one accord, to leave you and begin afresh. But I stayed. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t love being sad and lonely but to have you I would do anything, even walking on fire…..(LOL Hypothetically).

I put the surgical blade aside and decided to write a farewell note and posted it on my WhatsApp status, then turned my phone off. I was ready to end my penance. Ready to get solace. Hot tears welled down my cheek. One….Two…Three… hahaha! I heard your laughter fill the house. Yes, my reason not to do it. You came to save me. I pretended to be sleeping because knowing you you would ask me why were my eyes swollen as if you cared. I heard you take out a bag and pack a few clothes. You called my name thrice and I pretended to be in deep slumber. Then you slapped me, yes slapped me for no reason. You told me you will be travelling for the weekend and will be back on Sunday. I nodded my head and you left.

You didn’t even notice my swollen eyes. How this love turned out to be a bitter pill still puzzles me. On Saturday night I went out with my friend to a rock event. I pretended to be okay because it was his first rock gig in a long while with a new band. I had to support him no matter what. Fake smiles hardly hide anything from your person. He noticed right through my fake smile. We talked about it and by the end of the night I remember how I hugged him goodbye repeatedly and in the last hug, I just held him a little bit longer because I knew what I was going to do. I knew this was the last time I would feel this peace because I would go to hell anyway for killing myself.

As I held the surgical blade this final time I took my phone and opened my WhatsApp over fifty messages from people who cared about me, several I tried calling you notifications. Not to sound like a jerk but their concern did not matter because the only concern I needed was from you. Un, Deux, Trois it was done.

As I lay on the bed I felt my life fleeting away and a sigh of relief for a brief moment. I must have passed out for several hours because by the time I woke up it was 7 pm. I couldn’t believe it. why was I still here?. Was there a reason for this failed suicide attempt? If people notice the scars on my hands. I whispered, “It’s not the end Michelle” turned off the pity party, cleaned myself up and prepared some food, and ate and for the first time in four days.

I am alive, God saved me. I decided not to take this failed suicide attempt lightly. I immediately knelt down and cried out to God because that was the only source of strength I knew. God saved me, God healed me and God preserved me. I texted back my friends and assured them I’m okay. But no one knew what transpired that day in the closed walls all alone, I saw God. I gained strength that I had never had and decided it’s not the end for Michelle.

When the heart is faced with pain the logical step we take is creating certain precautions that will prevent us from death. Not physical death but the death of our emotions. We take certain steps as a defence mechanism. But could these steps that we take be the cause of more anguish?

“Side chick! You are going to meet the side chick? What is wrong with you Michelle? Why would you stoop so low?” my best friend’s voice echoed from the phone.
“I don’t know honey. I love him and maybe I can get her to keep off. We have been together for one and a half years and he has always been supportive, plus I am pregnant for him. Isn’t it logical that my baby gets to have the father present?” I said with tears in my eyes.
” Speaking of pregnancies, have you told him you are pregnant yet or you are still buying time waiting for the dust to settle?” she asked. I could feel the concern in her voice.
” How can I tell him? The past few months ever since I lost my job have been really on edge for both of us. Plus the cheating scandals how can I? Yesterday night we were at each other’s necks and I’m sure he wanted to kill me at that moment. What I did was unacceptable. So it’s only reasonable if I wait for everything to cool off.” I said in a shaky voice
” I don’t know but I am not rooting for this at all. But if it will give you peace of mind, go ahead and keep me posted how it goes. I love you and take care,”.


I hanged up the phone, proceeded to shower and dressed up, and left the house. Yesterday night was one of the worst nights of my life. I took his phone, a trail of messages to another woman who he had sworn to love for eternity. The affair had gone on for three months approximately the same time frame I was getting over the loss of my father and my resignation from my job.


They were other flirty conversations with other women but this specific woman had won his heart. She cooked for him, made love to him and he financed her. Was I jealous? Yes, I was. This is the same man who had decided not to provide for me even the basic needs I needed due to lack of finances, he would shamelessly come and make love to me too after his encounter with this woman.

With his phone in my hand, I had a panic attack. If you are an asthmatic patient you know that this is the body’s response due to shock. I could not breathe and in my struggle, you woke up.
” My God Michelle, what are you doing with my phone,” you asked.
Your concern was about your bloody phone. Not even the fact that I would lose breath completely and you would be answerable. I managed to say a few words to you,” I hate you so much,”.
” What is all this nonsense, let me take you to hospital,” he cried.
” No, call my uncle I want nothing to do with you,” I retorted.

As expected my uncle was not in a position to come for me though he was a neighbour. He had a newborn and it was just sort of invading his space. So you took my phone called an uber and sat in the front seat and left me all alone in the back seat. My Uncle sent some money, I paid for the uber which you shamelessly sat on as if nothing was happening. I paid for my medical bill and we went home after I was stable. You woke up the next morning and Kissed me as you went to work.

I know you probably are thinking that I deserved this because I went snooping through his phone when he was asleep. But when you are in distress as a human being you can do anything to ease your distress. And when you are faced with something threatening your happiness, your whole existence you will do everything to salvage the situation.


For three months I had become Nancy Drew, collecting every evidence I could because I was in disbelief. I had sworn to love you for eternity. Before I raised my complaint I had to have the right evidence needed to pin you down. Hopping you would admit your transgressions, I would forgive you and we would raise our coming baby. Everything would be fine and I would love you even more for choosing me.

As I walked into the coffee shop, she was not hard to notice. She was Petite and so gorgeous. Like I suspected she was only 20 years old. A thought crossed my mind ” You can’t compete with this, you are a pig yourself, plus she is soo young plus a lot prettier than you”. I felt like running away but I was determined to save my family and save my man and put an end to his little adventure. I said hello and took my seat.

” So how did you two meet?” I asked.
With arrogance and confidence, she responded ” I had gone to bank money to the bank and he attended to me” she answered.

That bloody bastard! this is the same tactic he used to woo me till now I’m head over heels and pregnant for a good for nothing. Damn him. She narrated how the affair began and how she has been to my house severally and did not see me or traces of a woman’s presence in that house. Of course! how could there be evidence of a woman living in that house when he and his brother joined forces in hiding my things in the front balcony and the kitchen drawers whenever she visited. She even admitted to making love to him on my matrimonial bed.

Tears stung my eyes and flowed down my cheeks. As she continued to narrate to me everything how he visited her every evening as soon as he got off work at four pm, how he bought her expensive things and took him to meet her parents and friends. My God! This man was a snake and I sat there transfixed to my chair I wanted to vanish into thin air and never return. Bur I asked for this, I asked for this pain when I decided to meet my rival. I had been in anguish for three months, no sleep just thinking of what to do next.

A childhood friend visited me the other day and we wanted to start a boutique together. Look! I was trying my level best not to be a cabbage wife. I had some online jobs that brought money enough for me to buy some groceries and household essentials. I remember how my childhood friend said we were a lovely couple and she wished me happiness. But now here I am, fighting demons I am not aware of. My God, if this is what love is supposed to be then I don’t ever want to love. You see, I had never experienced the joys of being loved by a man till I met him. I wanted us to go back to that moment where we were first lovers, the only difference was his heart had left my heart and I had become the nagging and paranoid lover. I swear, I tried to ignore everything and cancel it out as paranoia but my gut just wouldn’t stop.

” Are you okay? you look so pale,” she said
At that moment I was zapped back into reality and gasped, “Yes, I am okay. Go on,”.
” Do you love him?” she asked me with a small voice.
” Yes, I love him. He is my rock and he is going to be an awesome baby daddy,” I said holding my stomach.

” You looked pregnant btw but I didn’t want to ask about it. You know what I think he is a selfish person. Why would he not tell me about you and lie that he is single? Michelle, I am very sorry. I am putting an end to this just because I don’t like drama. I am genuinely sorry,” she said. Sounds honest yes? But this woman kept on tormenting me till I had enough and left my home, back to my mother’s house.

That night I could not sleep. There was an excruciating pain that I never felt. More of period cramps but a heightened one. I cried myself to sleep and you came in at midnight and laid next to me.
“Michelle,” I heard you say, “I’m sorry, I love you,”
” Okay,” I said and slept.
I think you might have left early because you didn’t wake me up with a good day kiss like you always did. The pain had not subsided though I felt as though I was soaked with some wet substance. When I lifted the duvet…
” Oh no! My baby!”
I cleaned myself up and rushed to the hospital. My baby was no more.

I hated you so much in that instant. I went back to the house, packed my things called a cab, and went home.
As expected my mother received me with open arms. I was in so much pain and she saw my pain. She asked me what happened and all I said was ” I left him, mama! I left him!” and broke into tears.

The next six months were difficult. Back and forth texts from you and your mistress even after I had resulted not to text you I still found myself texting you, calling you entertaining you. But my heart and mind were in constant turmoil. I kept on asking myself if my baby deserved to die or did I unknowingly cause its death just because I inflicted so much stress on myself. In one of these phone call confrontations, you called me fat, and you said my only work was to eat and finish all the food in the house. Was this the reason why you chose her over me? Little did I know this was a trap that will lure me in and bring forth my penance.

Dear, you,
Some days the voices in your head get louder and drive you insane, pushing you to a wave of depression and an irritable mood. On such days I want to remind you: You are enough…You can do this…you are fine. You have people who care so much about you, suicide should not be an option and should never be placed on the table as a bargain. Reach out to these people to re-energize you and fill your heart and mind with positive vibes.

You might be reading these words and you feel like I am not making any sense, that your death will ease the pain. You want to get rid of the pain and go back to your normal self and just feel free. But darling! pain demands to be felt. Cry if you need to cry to let the frustration out do whatever you need to do to feel and embrace the pain but under no circumstance should you lock it in. You see that teardrop that falls from your eyes, that sadness in your eyes, that pain in your heart is very much necessary. Why is it necessary? It is necessary to shape and mould you into a greater form of You. One thing I know for sure and I can attest to is that God never wastes our past pain, but he rather turns it into gain.

Our mind is a great stronghold and it impacts what we say and to some extent, it dictates how you behave. Your mind is a constant battlefield on a day-to-day basis. Somedays you may find your mind constantly repeating thoughts that you have no control over making you feel feelings of great sadness and anger which is completely unnecessary. And at that moment, I want to remind you that as long as you have no control of that situation free your mind but not thinking about it anymore. I want you to understand that you will not always have control of things that are happening in your day to day to life but you can choose to be aware, and realize you can control how you accept and relay the message to your mind.

Allow yourself to trust the process of every setback you might be feeling. You wouldn’t pretend you are not in pain if you stubbed your toe onto the wall or a table. Emotional pain is just as valid as physical pain and you should never be ashamed of it. You are allowed to feel your feelings because your feelings are valid. Do not beat yourself up, your pain doesn’t have to define you. Your strength and courage to go through this are what should define you.

When your chest aches and is swimming with all your faults and flaws and you can’t seem to find your footing remember that fear is a liar. Do not allow the pain you feel to turn you into something that you are not. Give yourself a pep talk “I can do this, I can be happy, I can go through this with a smile, I can and will have a good day” it works wonders.

Finally, be kind to yourself because the way you speak to yourself matters. Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you think you might have made. Take as much time you need for yourself till you become yourself again.

Tranquillity, a state of calmness.

Your Friend,